The hardest part of waking up...

certainly isn't "Folgers" in my cup... No. For me the hardest part of waking up is wondering what the day will bring. Too often in my experience I have had unpleasant things happen to me. More recently then ever before and now I am hesitant to start the day because of it. Not to say I am unwilling to start the day because of it - certainly not - it is just that I need a certain amount of mental preparation in order to be ready for whatever the day will bring me - good or bad. Tomorrow morning might find me in jail - it may find me unconscious having fallen under the heels of one or more assailants - it may find me sleeping warm and comfortable next to my youngest smiling son or it may find me waking upoutside at dawn in appreciation of the rising sun casting its rays on my sleeping face...

My point is that I never know what the day will bring and all I can do to prepare for it is to take a few minutes each morning after I wake up and get ready for it. I am sure we all do the same - or something similar at least. A morning routine that allows us to cope with the day as it unfolds in any one of a million delicious ways.

This morning I woke from a dream - a strange dream that involved my old lover and we were riding on some kind of motorcycle. She was driving and I was on the back trying to save the life of this strange creature/person as it slowly became smaller and smaller - this person/creature was melting for some reason I cannot fanthom during daylit hours - and I was trying my best to keep her alive by blowing on her. We arrived where we were going and I was upset that I could not save her and then we found out that she was okay. I remember feeling admonished and I also remember that my lover, the woman we were trying to save and her female lover were kind of amused at my lack of understanding as to how these things worked - these things that involved female power and the like. My lover touched me sweetly and made me feel better with a look - a look which told me she appreciated my effort and passion for life - even if it wound up not making a difference in the long run.

She could always speak volumes - when she wanted to that is- with just a look. At the same time she could erect a wall around her with a look that even the most avid climber could not scale. That the most arduous driller could not penetrate. She was quite the woman.

My point, before I lose it entirely, is that when I woke up today after seeing her in this dream and having her look at me in that way, I woke missing her very much. I missed waking up next to her. I missed the touch of her shoulder against mine in bed. I missed reaching around her and pulling her close to me. I missed the passion we felt and quite often showed each other on mornings much like this one. One thing that mornings like this remind me of most vividly was how incredibly physical we were. How well we fit together on a sexual level. Mind you, I acknowledge that the last few times before we split were less than stellar - but besides those few times - I remember such passion and physical excitement when we were together. I remember such a sense of play and joy and wonder in our physical relationship. A touch was all it took from her to send me through the roof - she was, and still is, sexier than I think ANY one could possibly be. We could talk for hours and hours - make love standing up, sitting down, talk some more and then do it all again - this time in water or maybe even outside. Driving, at the movies, pulling over on the side of the road if the need arose - and I remember a few times when it did. I remember loving and I mean absolutely 'loving' the noises she would make - the little moans and whimpers and the even louder sounds leading up to more exciting feelings she would be feeling turn me on now just reminiscing about them. In the end I fucked things up so brilliantly between us that we had to go our separate ways and I don't think a day has gone by that I don't regret what happened between us. That I don't curse myself for a damned fool for letting her go.

This is life. My life anyways. I don't know why I needed to share this with the universe today - but it made me feel a bit better to write these words and remember the things I have remembered. Doesn't make a difference one way or the other mind you - all it does is let me remember a few good things before I start the day - and if that isn't one of the better ways to start the day - then I don't know what is...