Friday afternoon and the world is moving...

Eeesh I say. Capital E. and an emphasis on the 'sh'...

It is interesting to me how comments can be misconstrued. I I added the 'kiss my ass' as initial response but so people know - I would never say that to a lady. Goes against my grain - so any women out there who may think it was directed at you - I apologise - it was not.

Meant for an old male ex-friend. He - well... he is always encouraged to 'kiss my ass' and 'fuck right off' and even the old standard 'go jump off a bridge'

When you are listening to stories about people and taking them as gospel whichout thinking about what that storyteller's motive might be, well this is kinda silly.
I like to look at why people do the things they do as everyone has a motive for everything they do. It can be benign or malignant.

From 'I am doing this because I am lonely and want to spend time with you' to 'I will tell you anything i can to get into your pants' and every possible variation in between. Its when you can't figure the motive out then thats when u should start to worry. But... believe what you want to believe... Doesn't matter to me, I say as I run sobbing out of the room and throw myself on my bed starting to scream hysterically before curling up in a fetal position and slowly rocking myself to oblivion... But seriously...

Some people judge me solely on what they hear. I am sure this happens to alot of people. These are the interesting ones for sure. To tell you the truth faithful readers I kinda take perverse glee in fucking with those ones.

Usually they are wary of me because A. I have been in jail or B. I am a recovered addict or C. I am sooo fucking charming I must be up to something...

I like the people who think my being sick was just a cover to excuse my -ahem- closet drug addiction - Hey people did you hear Cy was not actually sick but using it as a cover to do massive amounts of dope??? That's why he was so skinny. What was up with him? Oh - I bet he fell off the wagon... To these people I say 'bite me' .

I don't give a shit what you think - The people, whose opinion I actually do give a shit about are in my life and I pursue active relationships with them. I am not a perfect man and I have made mistakes - who hasn't? Its the people who stand by me and see me for who I am - not the person they want me to be or the person they heard i was or even the person they think i used to be - those are the people I love and care about - the people I keep in my life.


You may be thinking to yourself 'what is he going on about?" and to you I say...

Glass houses and all that eh?

No matter - next blog entry I promise to talk about a raven.

January in the House of Cy

Well. It is January and I have been feeling the itch lately to write. I recieved an interesting comment on my last entry in regards to my forgiving nature. Forgivness is an interesting thing isn't it. I feel that some people really do need to be forgiven for past indiscresions- whether it is to help myself move on or to release them from the debt they may feel from something they have done. In my life I have forgiven and I have been forgiven. There will be certain individuals I will never forgive and to be truthful if I ever see them again there will likely be HELL to pay - That said - this is not a good attitude to take - it is not healthy - not even in the slightest...
Why I cannot get over certain people is beyond me. No sense of closure perhaps or maybe somewhere in my mind I understand that they have never taken accountability for their misdeeds - and even if they did would a simple acknowledgement be enough. From some people perhaps - but not all. In these cases I ave been told that I should simply be the better man - but when the blood in my body boils and the rage I feel towards certain individuals starts to build the best thing I could possibly do is turn away and try and let it go.

For all the good that does.

but...

then I paused to check my email and see that the comment( well comments now) actually came from someone else. Not the person I was just venting about but someone else entirely.

I dated this girl for a few months last year right before I got really sick and it didn't work out. That was all - it simply was not what I was looking for and she will not give up the ghost. Sigh. I have no forgiveness issues with her - it did not work out and I moved on. I do wish she would find the courage to do the same. it is not easy to feel regected and obviously I can see now in retrospect that she obviously put more stock into what we had them I had orginally thought - but come on! To keep coming back to something that is simply not healthy is just that - not healthy! She says I disrespected her, took advantage of her, made fun of her behind her back, lied to her, broke her heart, dumped her, ignored her and cut all forms of contact with her.

Wow! I must be a real asshole eh? I will not respond to these accusations because to do so would simply hurt all involved. Instead I will simply state this - if I am so bad then why are you still contacting me. I hear stories of women I know getting conspiracy emails from you accusing them of pimping me out to assage some old twisted revenge fantasy. You have contacted girls you think I am dating online and blast them - and you never give them a chance to respond or reply. I am not mad or even surprised but for the life of me I cannot figure out where this is all coming from. There is nothing to forgive here. Please just move on. If you need closure I can understand that but... this is not healthy behavior.