It is strange for me right now.
Surreal actually.
To the few people who actually read this blog I beg your indulgence while i catch you up since my last entry last march.
Faithful readers - the two or three of you that may actually remember - i was dating a girl named Amanda - was feeling like i was in love with her - was still using drugs fairly heavily and wound up going to jail for a break and enter that Amanda and I committed across from the Toronto Sun building on King Street.
Cue music... "oh the things you do for love..." sheesh eh?
Well Amanda is gone now and while a part of me still remembers the hurt - I now try and simply remember how nice, very nice it was while it lasted.
Nuff' said about this though.
Have managed to work off of drugs from march to June and stopped using in late June after one more insane run which i will write about one day but not today as it is a longer story and not really suitable for the summary i am currently writing - lets just say its a story and a half and if you know anything at all about the stories I tell and write about then I am hoping that this line will suitably tease you into looking for the story in future postings.
Have been clean since then - moved into the first of what i am thinking will be several half-decent places as I quest for the perfect place to hang my hat after many years abroad within the naked and slightly deranged city...
I go to NA, CA and even AA now - I can not see or hang out with any of the drug users or criminals I used to - I work constantly on my recovery - I carry great shame and guilt over some of the things I did over the last five years - some i will be able to make amends for and others I will not. I lost a lot of friends and people who were once important to me - which is a shame in itself. On the other hand though I have developed some new relationships with good people over the last six months and reconnected with some others. My children love me again and I see them as much as i possibly can - we have really good relationships now and i can only see them getting better and stronger as we move down the road together. I have reconnected with my parents and some of my sisters and cousins and one uncle and I hope to continue to do this.
Most importantly, my obsession to use have finally left me - i hit the end of the darkened tunnel i had been walking through - often stumbling, sometimes falling flat on my ass or face depending on the way the wind blew...
I am starting to create once more and that feels really good - better than i can possibly put into words.
So. this is where I am right now. Not nearly as exciting as my title indicates but ths' ok too.
Will post more later...
cheers!
3 comments:
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....
Glad to hear that things are starting to come together.
So nice to hear that you have a good support system... in friends, family and extended communities.
I look forward to hearing more....
squiggysmom ;-)
damn I have come far... its four years later - still clean, great job, already had a promotion, the people I reconnected with are still here and we are tighter then when I wrote this - hell we were only touching the tip of the proverbial iceberg four years ago. I have been in a bad head space for a while now and was recently reminded that I do in fact like to write as much as I like to paint... maybe I should start again... hmmmmm.....
damn I have come far... its four years later - still clean, great job, already had a promotion, the people I reconnected with are still here and we are tighter then when I wrote this - hell we were only touching the tip of the proverbial iceberg four years ago. I have been in a bad head space for a while now and was recently reminded that I do in fact like to write as much as I like to paint... maybe I should start again... hmmmmm.....
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